Category Archives: A Series Of Tubes

Caffeine-Fueled in 2013 + Fish!

Sure, the new year began 15 days ago with any meaningful updates from us being absent for another 15 days prior to that. But never fear! 2013 is here and we’ve got a whole lot of great content in store for you at Caff-HOLY CRAP LOOK AT THAT FISH. LOOK AT IT! LOOK AT THAT FISH RIGHT NOW!

Sorry. That was something of a smoke bomb on our part. We’ll be damned if that isn’t one hell of a fish, though. Perhaps you should look at it. Right now, if you’re not too busy.

So with this we inaugurate another year of mildly-coherent, semi-professional, generally-aimless tomfoolery from your friends at The Caffeine-Fueled Occasional. On our slate of features for the coming year, we have…

1) A heavier emphasis on review and editorial content for Reddit to downvote in favour of kittens making silly faces! Oh man. Those kittens are so cute you guys!

2) A streamlined WWE feature that won’t make its author wish for the sweet release that only death can bring!

3) More community interactivity! Speaking of which, are you somehow reading this without a forum membership? Go get one!

4) A podcast! Maybe! This will depend on several factors, mainly equipment, scheduling, and formatting issues. If/when it happens though, hold onto your asses.

All of this and more can be yours for only minutes of your time per day! Why, think about all those seconds you spend drinking your Starbucks coffee. You can even do both at the same time! Act now!

In all seriousness, we do hope you’ll stick with us through 2013 and beyond. There are a lot of pretty depressing things in this world and while “blogging in a vacuum” doesn’t rank too high up the list in the greater scheme of things, every set of eyeballs counts for something. So on behalf of John Layfield, Thor McOdin, the forum community, and myself: thanks for all them balls!

Now check out that sweet fish. Right?

• Fish courtesy of Moldy Chum. Thanks Dave!

Pacific Rim, or Jax Teller & GLaDOS vs. Giant Alien Monsters

That is one of the stranger headlines I’ve thrown together but it does have the virtue of being surprisingly accurate. I think I can go even further with it, though…

“Guillermo del Toro’s Pacific Rim appears to be a tale of GLaDOS from Portal teaming up with a G.I. Joe power armour-clad Charlie Hunnam (Jax Teller from Sons of Anarchy, still using the American accent but presumably not journaling these events for his sons) to fight alien Godzilla/Cthulhu-esque creatures with the aid of Transformers-ish giant robots.” How’s that?

And if the trailer is any indication, the entire score will just be BWRAAAAAAAM. BWRAAAAAAAM. BWRAAAAAAAM. What is it with that, anyway? Apparently, the Inception noise became the new “in a world…” so gradually that I didn’t notice. There’s even a supercut of that below!

Beyond just the crazy-ass trailer, I don’t really know what to think of this. Will the movie be too ridiculous, or just ridiculous enough? Will I ever be able to take Sons of Anarchy seriously ever again now that I’ve seen Charlie Hunnam in a “future linebacker” suit?

The Giant Bomb crew may have accidentally predicted this trend long before that supercut, as the noise has also found its way into game trailers.

Trailer Dissection: Star Trek Into Darkness

This has been a very Trek-heavy week. The plot synopsis and one-sheet poster for Star Trek Into Darkness hit early, followed by the Season 2 blu-ray for The Next Generation on Tuesday, then came Star Trek Online’s winter event, and now the first teaser trailer for Into Darkness up above. Kind of an overload.

Nevermind all that other fluff, though. The trailer is why we’re here, so let’s pull this thing apart and see how it ticks.

The first major consideration is that Benedict Cumberbatch’s lead villain remains unidentified. Earlier reports stated that he’s someone we’ve seen before, presumably from either the original series or the first six movies, with the word “iconic” attached. Khan is the obvious first suspect – too obvious, and too not-British. Gary Mitchell (an American character originally) is generally the second most common name floating around. Reimagining him to be from England in this timeline is less of a head-scratcher than reworking a Vader-class villain like Khan.

Our second consideration could be a clue in disguise: the blonde woman seen here being mentally undressed by Kirk. If she turns out to be a young Carol Marcus, then Cumberbatch could indeed be Khan. However, she also strongly resembles Elizabeth Dehner from the classic TOS episode “Where No Man Has Gone Before”, which was Gary Mitchell’s story. It’s also possible that either Marcus or Dehner could appear independent of whoever Cumberbatch is playing, which throws this avenue of speculation out the window.

One quick note: Cumberbatch’s character is seen wearing Starfleet duds a couple times in this trailer. Khan and his people only really did that in the same manner as hunters wearing the bones or skins of their prey. Mitchell however, was a Starfleet officer. That said, it was only flirting with the galactic barrier that drove Mitchell to the dark side, so to speak. The mere glimpses we’ve seen here are very different in tone from that old story. Less action-adventure, more thriller.

On the subject of story themes, most of this teaser takes place planetside with our only ship shots being sea-based for once. Who knows if the real deal will really be so down to Earth, of course; but it could be an early indicator of the subject matter we’re in store for. Hey, wouldn’t it be funny if one of those ships messing around underwater is the Reliant despite Khan having nothing to do with this movie?

A proper extended version of this trailer opens with The Hobbit on December 14th (pray not to get stuck with one of the 48FPS versions) and Star Trek Into Darkness is out May 17th, 2013.

Game Of Thrones: The Lost Seinfeld Episode

Similar to how Guile’s theme goes with everything, the usage of Seinfeld’s lead-in music and laugh track will somehow make just about anything funny even if it should be impossible. If something was already funny to begin with – shazam! Now there’s an exclamation point on that, like all those old Mega64 podcasts that used the theme as a rimshot.

So, well… here it is. Seinfeld crossed with Game of Thrones, with the expected inclusion of Tyrion slapping Joffrey and Littlefinger being a snarky douche. All enhanced via the magic of sitcoms. You win, internet.

Nicolas Cage Really Is In Everything

Nicolas Cage is one prolific dude. With over 60 films under his belt since 1980, he’s probably even more deserving of that old Samuel L. Jackson joke on Family Guy than Mr. Jackson was, though cameo appearances in older or more iconic films have often escaped him. Not being born yet carries certain professional disadvantages.

Well, no more! Pleated Jeans has the solution with the re-edit above. As always, Wrath of Khan is woefully underrepresented, but whatever. This is still a pretty good start.

Source: Boing Boing.

Reminder: Twilight’s Robert Pattinson Is One Of Us

When I read it, it seemed like a book that wasn’t supposed to be published.

No apologies: I fall firmly into the “hater” camp regarding Twilight. Everything it does, Buffy the Vampire Slayer was doing better almost fifteen years ago, or had the good sense to avoid. There was no “imprinting” on infants or vampire teeth cesarean sections in the backseats of cars on that show. Sure, Dawn sucked, and Willow’s magical drug addiction bordered on character assassination, but that’s as low as the series got.

With as dreadful as Twilight is, sometimes it can be hard to separate the actors involved, to remember that most of them are above the material or only really in it for the paycheque. Robert Pattinson has done plenty of eyerolling print interviews going on about the crazy-ass fans who have approached him over the years with open cuts asking to be “sired”. Kristen Stewart shares his attitude, she just isn’t as outspoken about it. Even the great Graham Greene was involved at some point – yes, that Graham Greene. Again: paycheques. Fat ones.

So if you’re anything like me, the interview supercut above will make you smile. Watch that, then avoid movie theatres for the next few weeks. With any luck, the storm should be over by the time The Hobbit opens on December 14th.

Source: Buzzfeed.

Playstation All-Stars Trailer Exposes Its Core Weakness

Do you see it?

The problem with Playstation All-Stars Battle Royale isn’t the awful title, the obvious similarity to Nintendo’s Smash Brothers franchise, or the questionable depth of Sony’s roster of first-party mascots. That depth is there; the larger concern is whether or not anyone still cares about the characters Sony is digging up. It’s more of an illusion, some vaguely legendary history that only exists because it’s being forced to exist.

No, the real weakness with All-Stars isn’t the cast, but rather just how loose or nonexistent the connections are between that cast. That’s not so say that Mario was ever hanging out with Captain Falcon or that Princess Peach was fooling around with Link while the plumber was out on one of his “jobs”, but Nintendo’s ensemble at least shares a strong aesthetic similarity. Like the Disney princesses or Pixar’s bottomless menegerie of talking animals, you can buy those characters existing within the same world even if you know that they don’t.

Sony doesn’t have that advantage. At best, they have one foot out of the bed here: about half of the characters in that trailer could co-exist in the same manner as Nintendo’s cast, if it weren’t for that other half also being there. Parappa, the skeleton thing from MediEval, and Sack Boy? Sure! Those three plus Nathan Drake and the guy from the Killzone box? Now we have a problem.

Solid Snake worked in Smash Brothers Brawl because he was reworked just enough to fit in with Nintendo’s other human characters. In the case of All-Stars, it’s cute lil’ mascots versus “dudes with guns”. There’s a weird disconnect at work here, a style clash, and it makes Sony’s line-up of first-party franchises look even less cohesive than it already is. That’s the weakness.

When your anthology collection of historical characters falls behind Sonic & Sega All-Stars Racing in terms of optics, you’re doing something wrong.

Source: Topless Robot.

Blood And Chrome: Young William Adama Is Frakking Ridiculous

Picard and Riker both had maneuvers named after them, but neither involved flying a space fighter without a cockpit window and shooting at shit with a sidearm until it dies. Take that, Trekkies! Take that, suspension of disbelief!

Maybe this is why Blood and Chrome didn’t make it to television: Battlestar Galactica, for all its killer robots, ethereal “head people”, and invented expletives, was (relatively) grounded in reality. There was some science in that science fiction and even when there wasn’t, the gritty “you are there” style remained, which made it easier to swallow the occasional bouts of Lynchian weirdness. Or maybe it was just “Brannon Braga” weirdness.

The Sci-Fi Network SyFy airs far more ridiculous spectacles than what’s in that preview above, of course; we’re taking about the cats who thought Mansquito was a good idea. But if this clip is any indication, maybe the producers blinked at the last second and pulled some strings.

Kick the tires and light the fires, big daddy.

Should you require more, the decidedly less crazy launch trailer can be found below. Unfortunately, the really really awesome teaser from way back in March set to Trent Reznor’s version of Immigrant Song (itself lifted from the American Dragon Tattoo trailer) has yet to resurface legally. I guess that’s what DVDs are for.

Source: Blastr.

Elder Scrolls Online Gets Its First Preview Video

Look, there it is right there. Crouch into sneak mode and hit play before it runs off.

It never seems to matter if you’re injecting an existing franchise into an MMO format or rolling something new, the same genre trappings are almost always there. Soft lighting? Check. Smooth rounded corners on nearly everything? Check. Slightly oversized environments designed to accommodate the mere possibility of large crowds? Check.

That said, at least the combat is looking somewhat more active than the usual MMO routine. The music is well in-line with Elder Scrolls past (Jeremy Soule again, perhaps?) and there’s potential in the backstory. Whether or not any of those positives will be enough to hook series fans or newcomers for more than the expected 14-day trial period, that remains to be seen.

The easiest jokes to make could very well be the most truthful: “Bethesda’s offline Elder Scrolls games are already buggy as hell so imagine how janky the MMO will be”; “if there’s a PS3 version it’ll never be updated”, etc. Regardless of all that, I can’t wait to find out.

Source: Massively. Image: Giant Bomb.

The Entire IMDB Top 250 in 2 1/2 Minutes

Everyone loves a montage! Here’s YouTube user Jonathan Keogh‘s brilliant visualization of the more-or-less-current IMDB Top 250 to pick apart over your lunch break. See if you can identify ’em all. I sure can’t, but I’m a mere amateur cinephile.

Now I’m hoping for a compilation of the IMDB Bottom 100 set to the Red Zone Cuba theme song, or maybe just The Price is Right fail trumpet on repeat for a minute and a half. Maybe throw in a little Benny Hill, “you lose, good day sir”…

Seriously though, IMDB users: 250 films and no Wrath of Khan? That soundbite would fit right in here, too. This list is a sham!

Source: The Mary Sue.