Category Archives: Stupid Blog Lists

This Week In Hilariously Ill-Advised Facebook Campaigns: Square-Enix vs. ZOO Weekly

Inside baseball: normally these two items would carry enough weight to be separate articles, but the timing is just too close for me to resist squeezing them together. That and the winter gloom has me almost completely sidelined from my usual routine. Bleh.

Thankfully, nothing cheers me up faster than an opportunity to mock major corporations and their gross irresponsibility with social media. I’ve also grown to hate said social media more and more these last few months, Facebook in particular. Protip: I’m more than just a buffer for your goddamned Farmville stats.

So really, there’s a lot for me to like about these two disasters. I get to be all punk rock and make fun of two big companies for their inane bullshit and Facebook for creating the atmosphere that allows the bullshit to exist. Double whammy.

First up to bat: Final Fantasy developer and sudden owner of everything, Square-Enix.

square enix hitman facebook

Quoth Rock, Paper, Shotgun:

Square have launched an advertising campaign for Hitman in which you can threaten people on Facebook using bullying terms, mocking people for their looks, and the size of their breasts. I murdered the puppy-faced Emily Madeupname because she’s cheating on her partner! That’s a reason it offered me. I threatened to kill someone on Facebook using this advert, telling Agent 47 to identify her by her small tits, and to kill her for cheating.

All glory to RPS for curating this debacle before Square-Enix (wisely) pulled the plug and apologized for it. Still, you have to wonder what the mindset is like at Square if such a headscratcher was allowed to exist in the first place.

Would this have happened if Square’s Japanese head office was paying the proper attention to their western branches, a situation akin to Sega of Japan vs. Sega of America in the 90s? Is this the unfortunate result of Square’s rapid-fire acquisition of foreign studios, perhaps too many to exert proper control over? Maybe outsourcing your marketing to external agencies is a bad idea and if you must do that, you should at least have some oversight on it?

Whatever the explanation, it’s fucking baffling that these things keep happening. Apparently no one learned anything from Sony’s disastrous PSP viral campaign or Tecmo’s creepy obsession with tits. Games still get a bad rap in a lot of circles and this really isn’t helping.

Speaking of creepy! Take us home, ZOO Weekly.

zoo weekly facebook

This one took months to get dragged offline like a screaming child on the first day of school, thus allowing plenty of time for it to spread it everywhere. Australia’s media watchdogs finally dealt the killing blow this week.

At first, the removal feels like a blessing considering how many human-shaped cockroaches it managed to attract. However, the action does get close to setting off my internal censorship alarm the more I think about it. Did this one really need to be nuked while stuff like Tecmo’s boob-shaped wall installations remain intact? Would this kerfuffle have happened at all if subject to another country’s regulations? Is the image itself actually less brazen in its misogyny than the comments it received? Would anyone even have noticed otherwise?

zoo weekly facebook comments
Cat pee and the internet. Once it’s in there, it’s in there.

The part that really gets me is the publisher’s attempted “editorial” defence. Quoth mUmBRELLA:

Zoo’s publisher ACP Magazines tried to claim that the Advertising Standards Board should not adjudicate because its brand page was editorial rather than advertising.

Sometimes I like to imagine that every wacky or poorly thought-out misadventure inflicted upon us by Australians is the result of living their entire lives hanging upside down from the underside of the planet. That much blood rushing to the head can’t be good for anyone.

Seriously though, editorial content? What could they be editorializing on here? You can’t make that claim without a statement that qualifies it. Call a spade a spade. Own up to it. This is a stupid image published on a stupid Facebook page with a stupid tagline, posted for the benefit of the stupid people who are stupid enough to drop stupid comments on it with their real names. This is no more of an “editorial piece” than the random-ass photos of cats that receive thousands of lazy-ass upvotes on Reddit.

I run a Facebook page for Caffeine-Fueled where I sometimes drop random images for laughs. I would never in a million years try to elevate any of that fluff to the level of actual, proper, legitimate written content for the same reason that I never pretend any of my silly YouTube posts are on an even keel with John’s review articles or Thor’s drinking games. I’m not even a professional and the idea of that pisses me off. It’s almost as insulting as those comments.

Thankfully, if there’s a silver lining to any of this, it’s the power of the internet laying everything out there for all to see like heads impaled on stakes as a warning to future trespassers. It’s just too bad that large corporations and individuals alike continuously fail to understand the give/take involved. But at least we can make fun of them for it.

The Streisand Effect. Keep it going, spread it around.

The Wiik That Was: Japanapes and Bear Blowback in the Miiverse

It’s actually been two weeks since I’ve taken a look at the Miiverse here for Caffeine-Fueled but that’s not due to a lack of happenings on Nintendo’s own island of bliss. An island more in common with that made famous by Patrick McGoohan than with Ibiza but an island nonetheless.

Of course, the big news is that the Wii U came out in Japan, hooray! Possibly chomping at the bit, being the last major territory to receive the console, Japanese artists were out in full force.

Drawn by アッチ (Japan)
Drawn by アッチ (Japan)

Bowser’s off to have a fun-tastic day in Nintendo Land. The last time Bowser tried to have a vacation though he was attacked by Mario while sitting in a hot tub on Delfino Island. I hope this works out better for the King of the Koopas.

The wait didn’t make everyone eager to please, however. Some people just have to rub in their fancy new Wii U apps in our faces.

Drawn by kazuki (Japan)
Drawn by kazuki (Japan)

Yes, the Wii U now has Google Maps and allows you to use the Game Pad as a window to explore Google’s vast, privacy-shattering photography of the world. Let’s see how many people throwing up on the streets of the world the Japanese fanbase find before the rest of the world can catch up.

Luckily, the Japanese weren’t allowed to run amok across the Japanese section of Miiverse. One brave user took up the fight.

Drawn by Vidya4chan (United States)
Drawn by Vidya4chan (United States)

Don’t think we forgot about Pearl Harbor! You’d think two nuclear bombs and a horrible Michael Bay movie would redress the balance somewhat but this is one one-sided feud that may continue for quite a while. Of course with the upside down American flag and all, this all may be ironic or trolling or whatever you need to call it to cheer yourself up.

The Miiverse isn’t all happy times and hipster-styled nationalistic frays however. People come together to share and recommend games to each other. Let’s look at the reception Family Party: 30 Great Games Obstacle Arcade has been receiving.

Drawn by Jacob (Denmark)
Drawn by Jacob (Denmark)

Okay, so it’s not very fun according to this scientifically verified graph, complete with helpful X and Y axis markers. Family Party gives hope to those of us who pray that the great Wii shovelware era will continue on into the life cycle of the Wii U, like how Sephiroth infected the Lifestream with Geostigma in Advent Children.

Still, like many games, things aren’t black and white. A lot of great games are surrounded in controversy. E.T.Superman 64, Ninjabread Man. All fine examples of once-loathed games that in hindsight were pinnacles of their craft. Let’s take a look at a more positive post regarding the title.

Drawn by VJ (Finland)
Drawn by VJ (Finland)

Hey, now, let’s calm down a little. This game may be sub-par but chasing Santa? Besides, I’ve never seen Santa actually hang around to open my presents. He usually just empties the liquor cabinet and leaves without dropping off my gifts.

Isn’t this all a bit of an overreaction anyway? I mean, maybe it’s a poor game but it’s not like it’s explicitly evil or anything, right?

Drawn by Epsylon (Spain)
Drawn by Epsylon (Spain)

…moving on.

Sonic and All-Stars Racing Transformed continues to be a popular game across the Miiverse. What with it being the unnatural child of Sonic Drift, Sonic R and all those wonderful IPs that made the Saturn and Dreamcast such roaring successes how could it not?

Still, not all the characters are equally popular. As you can imagine, everyone loves the Sonic crew, especially Shadow is so cool and bad ass and cool but Danica Patrick, below-mediocre professional driver and at-least-average professional female has about as much to do with Sega as a healthy profit margin so enthusiasm for her inclusion was… lacking.

Drawn by Mumzy (United States)
Drawn by Mumzy (United States)

While some, like above, are merely unimpressed by her presence, others are going so far as to avoid unlocking her completely. I haven’t seen such a denial of reality since the 32X.

But, hey, I don’t write this article just to make a bunch of jokes about Sega while hiding the fact that I love them dearly. So let’s take a look at some other titles. What’s going on over at Disney and their lacklustre Epic Mickey 2?

Drawn by Nadrim (Sweden)
Drawn by Nadrim (Sweden)

scorge plz

While an Epic Ducktales game featuring Scrooge and three Scrappy Doos, just remember the sheer amount of Dolan meme-ry such a concept would unleash on the world. Put the lid back on that box of locusts, Disney, before it’s too late.

Scribblenauts is getting some serious play lately and has even branched out into real world merchandise. You can now buy Maxwell’s hat, for real, at stores. I still have to send about $200 to Japan via syphilitic carrier pigeon to have a 30% chance of getting a Suikoden action figure but kids can now look like Adventure Time 2P costumes? It’s not fair.

Still, how would you describe Scribblenauts to someone who has never played it? You could just say “you write stuff then the stuff done appeareds” but that doesn’t quite get across the fun. One person may have found a way.

Drawn by Luke (United Kingdom)
Drawn by Luke (United Kingdom)

That is exactly how I feel about the game too, mate. Scribblenauts is so much like a train/bus/plane/tampon about to run over someone whose first instinct is to block the vehicle/sanitary product with an open palm. Exactly.

It’s not all AAA titles, or FFF even, on the Wii U. The indie games section is getting off to a good start, even if it features about 6000% less tits than its Xbox counterpart. So before we go, let’s take a look at what people are saying about Mighty Switch Force! HD.

Drawn by Mike (United Kingdom)
Drawn by Mike (United Kingdom)

The Queen’s English has a way of making even simple statements like that seem classy, doesn’t it?

Mighty Switch Force! HD is yummyyy. – IGN

The Wiik That Was – 10 Miiverse Images of the Past 7 Days

The Wii U has been out about two weeks now and people are getting used to the features of the Miiverse; Nintendo’s social network which is run by a bunch of fascists who enforce fun, just like that one Sylvester McCoy Doctor Who episode, except everything is grey and blue instead of pink.

What’s been going on in the past week or so in the Miiverse? What are the concerns of players and, more importantly, what have they doodled for us to be entertained by?

Some Miis tend to stick to the straight out homage to classic games.

Drawn by Zockrates (Germany)

This drawing ponders what would happen if the irresistible force met the immovable object. The answer? Hilarity! (and concussions). Bowser always get a bad rap, but you’ve got to feel bad for his minions sometimes. All this trouble just to get their boss a date? They must really like the guy. I can’t even get Del to be my wingman because he always takes it literally and turns up dressed like Maverick from Top Gun and singing Take My Breath Away.

All this high-paced Mario action (and Tom Cruise based non-sequitirs) are no match for the power of nostalgia, however and this next image basically summarises 50% of the posts about New Super Mario Brothers U.

Drawn by RupeeClock (United Kingdom)

Hey, remember when the past was the present? Wasn’t everything better back in 1985 for Nintendo? No hour long updates for the NES right out of the box and Duck Hunt never needed any balance patches. Then again, I haven’t had to blow into a console to get it to work since the N64 and neither my Wii U nor any of my games are in danger of rusting any time soon.

Nintendo has been making slightly more of an effort to court third-party developers thus far. Although it’s a bit up in the air whether that attitude will last, it at least allows for one of the favourite hobbies of any fanbase: Nonsensical crossovers!

Drawn by speedpop (Australia)

Of course, if you don’t want to see Luigi throw fire balls at the non-distinct shojo-riffic cast of both Dynasty and Samurai Warriors, starring in their own crossover game, then I don’t know what to tell you.

While a lot of people would like to see Nintendo go all Kingdom Hearts as regards third party interaction, right down to having Bowser voiced by someone from *NSYNC, not everyone envisions these franchise mash-ups as working out for the Nintendo crew.

Drawn by Mikytosh (France)

Stop! Stop! He’s already dead! Mario isn’t even British, Connor, leave him alone. Perhaps it’s a comment on how Nintendo’s attempt at flirtation with third party developers will lead to their ultimate demise. Or maybe we just get a kick out of seeing the happy go lucky characters murdered in the name of realism?

Speaking of crossover appeal, both Nintendo and Sega are fond of their own intra-company franchise crossovers. Nintendo has the Smash Brothers franchise and Sega is making some headway with its SONIC (and some other guys no-one cares about) All-Stars Racing series. However, although many of your unprofitable favourite characters are available for selection not every one is satisfied with the roster.

Drawn by Viral (United States)

Why no Phantasy Star Online racers or tracks? Well, that’s because everyone knows that the only Phantasy Star game worth mentioning is Phantasy Star Universe. Technically, the entire game could be taking a place on a distant planet in one of the Phantasy Star galaxies though. Besides, who needs classic Sega game references when you can race as Danica Patrick, NASCAR driver, right?

So people talk about games a lot on the Miiverse, and rightly so. But what about when you’ve got little to say about the games themselves and just want to relax and pursue intelligent conversations with your fellow gamers? What then? That’s right: add memes!

Drawn by Garrett (Italy)

We tried to contact 2005 for a quote but I couldn’t hear anything over the sound of Bo Bice’s Inside Your Heaven. Of course, the real problem is that “taking the Nabbits to Isengard” works so much better, except of course no one takes Nabbits anywhere in New Super Mario Brothers U.

ZombiU is set in Britain and is, in fact, so British that you end up with a cricket bat in fairly short order. Just the thing for keeping hordes of zombies at bay, along with tea, the queen’s corgis and a lingering longing for the days of empire. Obviously, the memes follow suit.

Drawn by AJ (Panama)

Of course, the real problem with swinging a cricket bat is that no matter how effective it is, most of the world is going to see it as the more boring, sweater clad version of swinging a baseball bat and when someone is comparing you unfavourably with baseball, you know you have problems. Still, they have Doctor Who over there, as well as about half of the PBS line up, so they can’t feel too bad.

So while Britain is getting to grips with the new phenomenon of cricket hooliganism, what’s going on in the former colonies as regards the Wii U? Not much, as a national emergency coincided with the Wii U’s launch, throwing millions of American’s peace of minds in jeopardy.

Drawn by kludge (United States)

Yes, Hostess, makers of Twinkies, Ho Hos, Ding Dongs and other brand names which are not at all sexually suggestive has closed down for the time being, blaming labour strikes amongst other factors for their total bankruptcy and mismanagement for decades. While consumers will have to turn elsewhere for their oily, chemical-infused death treats at least we can take solace in the fact that their wonderful comic advertisments remain.

Although America was left reeling as shares in insulin dropped, the ship was soon righted through the power of anime breasts.

Drawn by guek (United States)

As Ayame (who does not appear in ZombiU, at least to my knowledge) is the teenage boy’s fantasy, she helpfully labels her underwear as she’s always looking for it due to a propensity for taking it off. Of course, dressed like that maybe she turns up in ZombiU thinking it’s the set of Onechanbara: Bikini Samurai Squad. If so, things are going to get very messy in London, very quickly.

That about wraps it up. But before we go, let’s check out what’s happening in Scandinavia.

Drawn by zukans (Finland)

fonland plz

Sex Smells: The 5 Types of Awkwardly Sexual Xbox Indie Games

The Xbox Live Indie Games section is a world of infinite possibilities. Eager, hungry game developers from all walks of life, striving to paint their creative vision for you to notice, interact with and reflect upon. Think of it as the video game equivalent of a local art gallery, a small regional orchestra or a newly opened community theatre. Now imagine all of them manned by bored Hooters waitresses while their bosses breath heavily and drool on all the furniture.

Video games have always tried to incorporate titillation, of course. From the infamous Custer’s Revenge to Lara Croft’s obnoxious breasts and Fear Effect 2’s worst implied lesbianism ever, we’ve had our share of shoddily portrayed “mature” subject matter. This is different, however. These games aren’t so much cynical corporate attempts to turn your biological urges into profit as they are pleas for understanding and help from a world of sexual relations seemingly alien to their developers.

Yes, when very lonely people try to code games one handed, we’re left with a weird and often unsettling mish-mash of half-assed gameplay and juvenile sexual titillation. Yeah, there’s the usual Japanese tosh available but make no mistake, it’s not all anime bouncing in these parts. Take a look at the five main categories these oddities come in.

1. Watching Real, Uncomfortable Women Stumble About

smarter than cheerleader game
ARE YOU SMARTER THAN A CHEERLEADER: You don’t know about Rubik the Amazing Cube? *snort* I can’t believe I used to try and sniff your hair in class, Melissa.

Are You Smarter Than A Cheerleader? Here’s a better question: Who actually wants to play a game about defeating the most awkward and uncomfortable looking girls in cheerleading uniforms in 80s cartoon trivia except the most developmentally-arrested toolbag suffering from some sort of nice-guy syndrome stemming back to high school? I’m sorry she never noticed you pining from the doorway, buddy. Let’s move on, all right?

In this category, we’ve also got Hell’s House. “Hi, this is the house belonging to Hell. Do not trespass or Hell will chase you off the lawn with a rake and perhaps will encourage the Neighbourhood Watch to be more vigilant in order to protect his resale value.” This game is the spiritual successor to the Sega CD’s Night Trap and that means everything that it implies.

Why the fuck can I play what amounts to Night Trap 2 in 2012 on my Xbox 360? The Sega CD didn’t fail because there wasn’t enough Dana Plato “interactive movie” video games for it. Is this what nostalgia has wrought? Watching Whatever-Letter-Comes-After-Z list actresses blunder around in nighties?

2. Someone Tries to Craft Their 3D Porn Models Into a Game

bureau agent kendall
BUREAU – AGENT KENDALL: I just need an instructional manual on how to work my bra.

Bureau – Agent Kendall is about a furniture sales agent. No, it’s about a large chested secret agent whose shirts pop open a lot while supporting some of the most lovingly rendered cameltoes in video game history. Island Adventure :The beginnig (sic) is a game in which I don’t need to describe anything because you’re still staring at the horrible mutilation of “beginning”, aren’t you? Suffice to say, you get to gawp at a badly rendered model of a woman in a small bikini while making badly spelled innuendo remarks at her as she holds a spear to your throat.

Almost 50% of all video game players identify as women. The average age of a video game player is approaching 40 years old. This is basic demographic stuff. Making bullshit like Incident of Dreamy Vale Church, a game in which you indulge your British policewomen fetish with 3D models as you mow down waves of skeletons is the equivalent of marketing fighting games to spousal abusers. You’ll likely find some strange individual willing to drop the cash but at the cost of an entire demographic.

3. I Drew Some Pictures, Can I Have a Video Game Now?

mystic forest
MYSTIC FOREST: She liked spinach, I hate spinach. I hate her, I hate fairies and magical things, I… I miss her so much.

Some people can draw. Perhaps not at a professional level but they are capable of illustrating a plausible representation of a human being. Luckily, instead of getting together with someone with an idea for a video game they can instead just make their own half-assed title as a showcase for their sketches.

Mystic Forest, pictured above, is a bizarre psychosexual screed masquerading as a visual novel video game. As a project for therapy, it is meritorious. As an allegedly entertaining interactive form of media, it is less so. It really simulates the mind of a misogynistic lunatic as you get to meet evil women, weak women, evil weak women and weak evil women, all while complaining about how they are all weak and/or evil. It is the electronic incarnation of someone declaring their previously wonderful ex to be a complete bastard once they break up.

But not everyone draws as a form of anger management. Let’s Get Fiscal is just someone’s collection of topless girls bathing with people in gimp suit illustrations used to frame a mediocre side-scrolling fighting game. If that sounds too fancy, you can always try out Trailer Park King where you get to chat up boss eyed trailer trash in Canadian flag bikinis as they try and sell you skunks and raccoons. It’s the Edmonton dream, baby!

4. The “Dating” Game

gonna get girl indie game
WHO’S GONNA GET THE GIRL: Sanrio would like a quick word with you about that jacket, lady.

Who’s Gonna Get The Girl? Not the developers of this title if the gameplay is anything to go by. Although I think we can all agree that comparing bodily features to greasy fast food, as shown above, is the single most attractive thing in the world. Girl, you got buns like a BK Whopper, all soggy and lopsided and filled with Grade F meat. Girl, your box is even better than a Chicken McNugget box when they accidentally put in an extra piece. Girl, I liked the way you put that hot dog in your mouth until you, y’know, bit it in half and chewed it up. And so on.

While WGGTG has you pursue a fast food aficionado, So Many Girls So Little Time on the other hand, is a dating sim where you perfect the art of duplicity to juggle multiple partners without each of them knowing about the other. Serious look at a society hostile to polyamourous lifestyles? Haha, no. You’d almost feel bad if the women weren’t depicted as brainless bimbos, even the CEO who giggles “my job is pretty cool” as she lounges on a bed. I’m sure it is, Fortune 500 company leader. Tell me again about nail polish.

5. The Angry Young Nice Guy Virgin Guide to Sex

virtual attraction
VIRTUAL ATTRACTION: On no account approach WOMAN. If WOMAN approaches, lay on the ground and play dead as WOMAN are known to favour fresh meat.

Indulging in a little dating fantasy land is all fine and dandy but sometimes we all need a little help figuring out what makes real people tick. Virtual Attraction aims to tell you the secrets of what a woman is attracted to. Spoiler alert: You should wear a big hat, be obnoxious and tell her she’s dumb so she doesn’t get any bright ideas about having self-confidence. I hear Virtual Attraction got a sequel, presumably became the woman hive mind has adapted to the original title. Rotate phaser frequencies, gentlemen, and attack again. Assimilate this!

A combination of dating advice and dating sim, Dont B Nervous Talking 2 Girls simulates a world in which every conversation with a girl has a 50/50 chance of ending with the woman threatening to call the police. As common an occurrence as this may be for the target audience, I think it has less to do with having to navigate the mysterious oceans that is the female mind and more to do with a complete lack of empathy and showers.

But what of after you’ve knocked a female out with your club and dragged her by the hair back to your cave? Well, Get Your Girlfriend Into Games is a set of minigames “designed” to get your girlfriend into video games, as opposed to shoes or earning less than the national average wage, those traditional female hobbies. “Suitable for children too!” the game exclaims. I mean, shit, do I need to write a joke for that? Okay, here’s one: If you use Get Your Girlfriend Into Games as a tool to engage your love interest in your hobbies, you should probably start over and let your little sister’s best friend out of that cage.


hot potato hd game
HOT POTATO HD: As an Irishman, this is the sexiest game I have ever seen. Marry me, Hot Potato HD Girl!

Hot Potato HD is a game in which you pass around your Xbox controller until it vibrates. The end. But it does have a woman trying her hardest to look sexy while fellating a dirty potato on the title screen. You couldn’t even run that thing under the tap?

All of these games are strange, some of them are disturbing. In general, they’re the products of unreleased sexual frustrations. How have we come to this? Is this what happens when a society becomes so sexually repressed it cannot handle sex on its own merits and now has to figuratively masturbate under a trenchcoat until it seeps into everything?

I actually think some games should have a lot more sex. I’m not even talking about so-called classy sex. People have stupid, meaningless, objectifying sex all the time and that’s wonderful but this stuff being served up isn’t sexy and barely qualifies as sexual, it’s meaningless fodder. As Shakespeare put it…

It is a cumshot
Made by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing.

Election 2012: The Night In Tweets

election 2012 fox news
You almost have to feel sorry for them. Almost.

Twitter can be an easy service to look down upon, or overlook entirely, thanks to the many excesses of its userbase. Endless trending hashtags about Justin Bieber and One Direction, the stereotypical tweets about food or bowel movements, etc. Appreciating it can be difficult sometimes.

This is especially unfortunate because a lot of very funny and insightful people are on Twitter and nothing brings out the best in them quite like an American election.

So feast upon these, the best tweets I personally observed during last night’s battle for the White House. And for dessert we have the opposite form of Twitter comedy, a slice of digital schadenfreude: the rapid decline of Donald Trump’s mental state. You can find that on Page 2.

election 2012 tweets

election 2012 tweets

election 2012 tweets

election 2012 tweets

Fantasy Casting The “All-Female Expendables”

In case you missed it: The Expendables (and its sequel, out now-ish) is an all-star collection of past and present action movie superstars brought together to revive, or at least pay homage to, the old-school ass-kicking brains-optional fun-as-hell action romps of the 80s and 90s. Everyone from Sylvester Stallone to “Stone Cold” Steve Austin was in it. Sometimes, I’m still surprised that it took until 2010 for such a beast to be produced.

Speculation about a women’s-only version of The Expendables has been pretty common ever since, and now it looks like that’s exactly what’s happening.


An all-female version of the hit franchise The Expendables — the action star-packed testosterone-fest starring, well, just about everybody — will officially be backed by The Grey producer Adi Shankar. Variety has confirmed that Shankar’s banner, 1984 Private Defense Contractors, has tapped Dutch Southern to write the script, and that the company is already in talks with several bankable actresses.

They’ve got their own list of picks over there, with several entries that just can’t be argued. There’s no reason that we can’t roll our own, of course!

For the sake of brevity, I’ll skim over the undisputed choices: Pam Grier, Sigourney Weaver, Linda Hamilton, Milla Jovovich, Lucy Lawless, Michelle Yeoh, and Angelina Jolie. When one ponders lead actresses in action movies of yore, most of these names should come to mind by reflex, so I would be really shocked if more than a couple are missing. I would only add that after her turn on Battlestar Galactica, I’m hoping for Lucy Lawless to keep the blonde hair.

And now, our list proper.

uma thurman the bride

Uma Thurman

Her Resumé: Just about anything with both her name and Quentin Tarantino’s attached.

Does it surprise anyone else that Uma’s name hasn’t been a more common fixation on these lists? You’d think that two Kill Bill movies (and a possible third?) would be enough. Well, whatever. She doesn’t necessarily need to bring the sword and jumpsuit combination back, but damn, wouldn’t that be cool?

Her Role: The leader’s right hand, assuming she isn’t headlining this thing herself. Honestly, just give her something to do and we’ll all be happy.

michelle rodriguez

Michelle Rodriguez

Her Resumé: It would be easier just to take a glance at her IMDB profile.

Since the era of Vin Diesel and cheesy nu-metal soundtracks has mostly come to a close, Rodriguez might not be as busy as the others on this list. For better or for worse, she pretty much built a career out of typecasting herself into tough-chick roles, which makes her addition here a total no-brainer. Think of it this way: if the male Expendables were to add a female member for whatever reason, she would probably be the first choice.

An all-female Expendables without Michelle Rodriguez would be like the original without Stallone or the sequel without Schwarzenegger. This is kind of what she does.

Her Role: Heavy weapons, and/or the lead baddie’s dragon.

kate beckinsale underworld

Kate Beckinsale

Her Resumé: More Underworld movies than anyone really needed.

Is it enough to just say “leather pants” and move on? No? Alright. If all those Underworld flicks proved anything it’s that Beckinsale can easily carry an action franchise even if there isn’t really much else going for it, and the slicker the production, the better she comes off in it. And there’s no doubting that an all-female Expendables will be slick.

Her Role: Probably the run ‘n’ gunner of the bunch, especially if Milla Jovovich is absent.

sarah michelle gellar buffy

Sarah Michelle Gellar

Her Resumé: Buffy the Vampire Slayer, obviously.

While she hasn’t had the strongest action career since Buffy ended in 2003, no amount of Grudges and random TV roles can take her original pedigree away from her. She will always be the Slayer, and that should be a good enough reason for inclusion on anyone’s list.

In the event that Gellar is busy or uninterested, Eliza Dushku becomes the obvious fallback option. Five-by-five and all that.

Her Role: If somehow both Milla Jovovich and Michelle Yeoh are missing, then Gellar likely takes the martial arts card. It’s hard to imagine her relying on a gun after seven years of Buffy.

summer glau terminator

Summer Glau

Her Resumé: Firefly and Serenity, but mainly Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles.

The chances of coming up on the wrong side of a Summer Glau character and surviving the night are pretty dire, perhaps more so than with anyone else here. As River Tam, she injured, maimed, and killed with swords, axes, fists, dance moves, bottles, crotch-grabs, by “doing the math”, and once threatened Jayne Cobb with her brain. As Cameron, she could do all that plus squish windpipes like grapes with her bare hands.

Her Role: A good choice for any position and one of the few who could pull off the Big Bad role. Wherever she ends up, I’m quietly hoping that she’ll be the one manning Terry Crews’ impossible shotgun thing.

keira knightley domino

Keira Knightley

Her Resumé: Domino.

Domino. Domino. Domino. Domino. Domino. Domino. Domino. Domino. Domino. Domino. Domino. Domino. Domino. Domino. Domino. Domino. Domino. Domino. Domino. Domino. Domino. Domino. Domino. Domino. Domino. Domino. Domino. Domino. Domino. Domino. Domino. Domino. Domino. Domino. Domino. Domino. Domino. Domino. Domino. Domino. Domino. Domino. Domino. Domino. Domino. Domino. Domino. Domino. Domino. Domino. Domino. Domino. Domino. Domino. Domino. Domino. Domino. Domino. Domino. Domino. Domino. Domino. Domino.

Her Role: Domino.

noomi rapace dragon tattoo

Noomi Rapace

Her Resumé: The original Dragon Tattoo trilogy; Prometheus.

Okay, I’ll admit that this is an oddball pick and probably one hell of a longshot. However, if my recent sojourn through the Swedish Dragon Tattoo films taught me anything (aside from that whole “powerful men are all total dicks” thing) it’s that no one – no one – can pull off that strong, silent, piercing “I’m thinking of all the ways I’m going to kill you” stare quite like Noomi Rapace. And that translates very easily to a kickass action role, and thus a spot on this list, wildcard or not.

Her Role: Indirect fire. She’ll be the one running around planting C4 and generally just doing an awesome job of being underestimated. If a weapon does fall into her hands, chances are she’ll be the one sauntering across the battlefield headshotting everyone without even blinking. For that reason, her character is probably also the most likely casualty.

Source: CF Forums (thanks, ard!) Image sources: We Are Movie Geeks, She Knows, Horror, Anti-Girlfriend, Infinite Futures, Babe Scarlett’s Blog, Screen Crave.

5 Great Moments in E3 History

This will just be a shorty today as I happen to have a fair amount of birthday drinking ahead of me, but with E3 coming up in just a couple days this is an opportune time to refresh your brain muscles on a few notable moments in the video game expo’s colourful history, starting above with my personal favourite: the Giant Enemy Crab from Sony’s disastrous 2006 conference.

Some of these clips may be less accessible than I would like for the non-gamers among you, so apologies for that. Maybe you just had to be there/watching on a livestream/into the little twists and machinations of the industry in general. Whatever the case, I’m sure Konami’s numerous failures should be entertaining to all, at least.

Incidents like the crab are fairly rare during the major pressers from Sony, Microsoft, and Nintendo. Thankfully we have the minor conferences to look forward to! Continue reading 5 Great Moments in E3 History

The Top 9 Characters From Hetalia: Axis Powers

Hetalia: Axis Powers (now available on Netflix Instant) is an over-the-top allegory of world history and politics where the cast are personifications of countries and regions. With each episode averaging about five minutes in length, Hetalia breezes through its subject matter, rarely disrespectful and never reverential. You may not get all the references, but you’ll probably laugh, and maybe you’ll end up wanting to learn a little something too. No mean feat in 2012.

Both positive and negative stereotypes form the core of each character’s personality, although these stereotypes comes from a Japanese perspective and so sometimes can have interesting variations on what some of us accept as stereotypes from our own cultural perspectives (China’s place as a prominent member of the Allies is part of this). Still, cod philosophy aside, there are many funny, charming and interesting characters on the show, so let’s take a look at some of the best.

(This is certainly no definitive list, seeing as I’m leaving off China, who really should be on the list, Spain, Roman Empire, Greece, Switzerland, Netherlands, Lithuania, Poland and many, many others but it’s a good snapshot, I believe.) Continue reading The Top 9 Characters From Hetalia: Axis Powers

6 Potential Outcomes of Google’s Project Glass

From the woooorld of tomoooorrooow file at The New York Times:

On Wednesday, Google gave people a clearer picture of its secret initiative called Project Glass. The glasses are the company’s first venture into wearable computing.

The prototype version Google showed off on Wednesday looked like a very polished and well-designed pair of wrap-around glasses with a clear display that sits above the eye. The glasses can stream information to the lenses and allow the wearer to send and receive messages through voice commands. There is also a built-in camera to record video and take pictures.

“It is unquestionably the future, and you would have crashed your stupid flying car anyway.”Three Panel Soul.

That said, maybe not everything that comes out of Project Glass will be entirely benign. Here are a few examples. Continue reading 6 Potential Outcomes of Google’s Project Glass