Category Archives: The Merch Table

The Merch Table #3: Life-Sized Daleks, Sexy Japanese Shirts, & More!

Welcome back to The Merch Table, prospective buyers! Like a poor marksman, we missed last week’s target due to technical issues… something about white screens and other inside baseball. Nothing keeps the humble merch salesman down for long, though! There be geeky wares to hawk!

This week, we’ve got everything from prohibitively expensive Doctor Who paraphernalia to super wacky Japanese things on the table for your perusal. So, go ahead. Peruse!

life size dalek replica

Life-Size Dalek Replica

So, what is it? A Dalek!
Where can I find one? Firebox.
How much? £3,496

Weighing in at well over £3,000 – that’s about $5,500 to you and me, Russ – this life-sized Dalek replica has all the bells and whistles: the plunger arm extends, useful for sucking the faces off hapless Torchwood scientists; the head rotates at a full 360 degrees; and the blaster arm is on a ball joint, so it can be wiggled around provocatively.

If for some reason you can actually afford to drop five fat Louie’s (colloquially referred to as “The Big Bonus”) on a Dalek, be aware that it doesn’t levitate. Have fun with the stairs!

senran kagura breast shirt

Senran Kagura Mega Breast Hyper T-Shirts

So, what is it? Creepy anime shirts from Japan.
Where can I find one? Hobby Stock.
How much? Your immortal soul.

Searching for the next step up from one of those famous “looking for a Japanese girlfriend” shirts? Are you really into anime? Are relationships not your thing? Or do you simply give no fucks about what random passersby think of you?

If most or all of those conditions apply, then and only then should you consider purchasing one of these shirts. Just please, for the love of whatever god you believe in: don’t wear these in public.

Or do. That could be funny. Also, the more guys taking themselves out of the dating pool the better the odds become for the rest of us.

firefly inara poster print

Firefly Les Femmes Poster Set

So, what is it? Prints of Firefly characters in an art nouveau style.
Where can I find one? Quantum Mechanix
How much? $29.95

The series may be long done and a sequel to Serenity all-but impossible, but at least those of you still carrying a torch for Joss Whedon’s space western have tons of sweet merch to clutch to your chests, as you weep softly and mutter something about the sky being taken from you. This set of character art prints rank high among all that merch.

There’s also one of Saffron all by her lonesome and a set for the dudes, if you’re more of a “les fommes” kind of person. Or female. Or sly.

pancake floor pillow

Pancake Floor Pillows

So, what is it? Big floor pillows shaped like buttered pancakes!
Where can I find one? Unica Home.
How much? $600 to $750.

If you’re actually wealthy enough to own that crazy Dalek featured above, why not top off your spending spree with this massive set of pancake-shaped floor pillows? Or save that money for another Dalek and make them dance. Pfft. Rich kids and their toys.

Lil’ bits o’ butter are also included, but as any Canadian worth their weight in loonies will tell you, even giant pancakes are nothing without maple syrup. It’s a cliché because it’s true, goddamnit!

persona 4 glasses

Persona 4 Glasses

So, what is it? A replica of the glasses worn by Persona 4’s protagonist.
Where can I find one? Ami Ami.
How much? ¥7,350

Whether you call him Souji Seta, Yu Narukami, Charlie Tunoku, or a name of your own (spoiler alert: it’s Charlie; anything you come up with is wrong), dude wore some pretty swank glasses. So hit that link and buy a pair of your own since you’re so jelly. And why wouldn’t you be? They made Charlie a boss.

These are almost certainly non-prescription, though I figure it’s child’s play to get real lenses slapped in ’em. I doubt they’ll help you see through fog, unfortunately.

Wasn’t that fun, kids? Join us again next week for another round of geeky merch to explain fruitlessly to your significant other. It never ends!

The Merch Table #2: Super-Bikinis, Ridiculous Ski Beards, & More!

Last week, I relaunched The Merch Table with a sparse three entries, the best of which wasn’t actually purchasable just yet. So I feel the need to put a few more chips on the table this time with five – count ’em! – five of the best new geeky wares the internet has felt kind enough to bring to my attention.

So hang onto your PayPal accounts, folks. The Merch Table #2 is a go!

captain america bikini

Superhero Bikinis

So, what is it? Hand-crafted beachwear in several superhero-themed patterns.
Where can I find one? Etsy.
How much? $100

Whether you have a significant other with a taste for comic book characters or you’re just into all that yourself, why not show it off a little bit… ifyouknowwhatimean? It could also double as a somewhat risqué cosplay option. Watch out for cameras.

Disclaimer: these superhero bikinis will not impart any superpowers, unless you count turning heads.

ski beard mask

The “Beardski”

So, what is it? A fake beard combined with a ski mask, of course!
Where can I find one? BustedTees.
How much? $29

Feel like earning yourself a little more attention on the mountain than you’re used to? Get yourself a Beardski! It’s a ski mask! It’s a beard! Seriously, what else could you possibly want?

Well, maybe a Viking helmet…

transformers transforming hat

Transforming Hats

So, what is it? A toy Transformer that turns into a hat. Or a hat that turns into a toy transformer?
Where can I find one? The Big Bad Toy Store.
How much? $25.99 to $49.99 (via preorder).

If you are the most obsessive Transformers fan on the planet, here’s the one thing you probably don’t have: a transforming hat. Or is it a hat transformer? Is it more than meets the eye, or is it in disguise?

Whatever, just be glad it’s an Autobot and not a Decepticon. You probably don’t want Starscream resting on your head. Bad times. I’ll hold out for the Beast Wars versions.

game of thrones toilet wall decal

Game of Thrones Toilet Wall Decal

So, what is it? A wall decal that turns your throne into something… throne-ier.
Where can I find one? Etsy.
How much? $29.99

If cleaning your bathroom is as arduous a chore for you as it is for me, why not buy one of these Game of Thrones wall decals for the space behind your toilet? Who would notice the mess if you’ve got one of those back there? Then again, most women dig a clean bathroom and there’s no telling what sort of reaction this would get.

Here’s hoping that you win this game of thrones because I can’t think of a worse place to die.

jet set radio soundtrack

Jet Set Radio Soundtrack

So, what is it? A digital rerelease of the Jet Set Radio OST.
Where can I find one? iTunes; Amazon (CD only).
How much? $9.99

Regardless of your feelings on Jet Set Radio and how it’s held up over the years, it’s hard to deny that the soundtrack was amazing. I’m not talking about the scraps of licensed radio hits that were added for US audiences (how many games of this vintage used “Dragula”, anyway? A dozen?) but rather the oh-so-very-Japanese original tracks.

If you haven’t heard those songs before, believe me that the $9.99 is well worth it. A returning fan? Well… what are you waiting for? I don’t need to explain this to you. Get movin’, Super Brothers!

…and that’s all for The Merch Table this week. Next time? Next time!

The Merch Table #1: Silent Plushies, Portal Panties, & Luchador Bottle Openers

One of my favourite beats from The Before Time was the wonderful world of geeky merch. The internet economy practically runs on this stuff – t-shirts, mugs, Etsy knitting, at least 75% of it rambling on about untrustworthy cakes – and the proliferation over the last few years alone has been insane.

Thusly! I have taken it upon myself to document some of these wares, if not for your perusal as consumers (it would be nice to get a slice of the action if that were the case!) then perhaps at least for posterity.

So welcome back to The Merch Table! Get ready to window shop!

doctor who silence plushie

The Silence Plush Doll

So, what is it? A cute widdle pwushie version of The Silence, a recent Doctor Who villain.
Where can I find one? Herekind of.
How much? Um…

Unfortunately, this particular item – which I chose as my headliner, no less – isn’t actually for sale from what I can tell. I’ll assume that Auntie Beeb frowns upon such things. However, we might get lucky when the creator’s Etsy shop returns. Until then, you might be able to observe one in its natural environment at Schmancy in Seattle.

There are conventions for plushies. Who knew?

portal companion cube panties

Portal 2 Companion Cube Women’s Briefs

So, what is it? Panties designed to resemble the Companion Cube from Portal. Which you killed. You monster.
Where can I find one? The J!NX Store.
How much? $12.

You sacrificed your best friend to the fires. That poor little Companion Cube, it never had a chance. And now, you take its likeness and shamelessly apply it to a pair of panties, like a hunter wearing the furs of his kill. How do you sleep at night?

Perhaps quite comfortably, actually. Those look pretty snug and warm and companiony.

kikkerland luchador bottle opener

Luchador Bottle Opener

So, what is it? Bottle openers resembling luchador wrestlers in various holds.
Where can I find one? Amazon.
How much? $7.50

Got a wrasslin’ fan in the family, or perhaps you are one yourself? Do you also enjoy the occasional adult beverage? Then put your hands together! This bottle opener looks to be sturdy and foolproof. No botched spots here.

Personally, if I owned one of these I’d be constantly tempted to modify it to resemble Ultimo Dragon. That would tide me over until someone puts out an El Fuerte pizza cutter.

That’s all for this week’s edition of The Merch Table! Come back next Friday to see what kind of bizarre impulse purchases I’ve wrangled up for you next. Enjoy your credit card bills!