Can't see anything? Just login. Not all forums are publicly visible as of November 2016, aka The Hellmonth, The Month That Shall Not Be Named. Which are visible and which aren't will probably become a rotating thing.
Can't login with your existing username? I may have changed it as an amusing holiday joke and forgotten to change it back. Check the memberlist to find your goofy moniker or contact me via other means. Conch shells, Ouija boards, whatever.
Can't register? Watch more movies. Perhaps a classic 1970s science fiction blockbuster would be a good start. A passphrase is in place to block spambots and assholes.
Can't understand cryptic hints? That's okay. Confusion is the first step to enlightenment.
Can't figure out the point to any of this? Hey, you and me both, buddy.