Welcome back to The Merch Table, prospective buyers! Like a poor marksman, we missed last week’s target due to technical issues… something about white screens and other inside baseball. Nothing keeps the humble merch salesman down for long, though! There be geeky wares to hawk!
This week, we’ve got everything from prohibitively expensive Doctor Who paraphernalia to super wacky Japanese things on the table for your perusal. So, go ahead. Peruse!
Life-Size Dalek Replica
So, what is it? A Dalek!
Where can I find one? Firebox.
How much? £3,496
Weighing in at well over £3,000 – that’s about $5,500 to you and me, Russ – this life-sized Dalek replica has all the bells and whistles: the plunger arm extends, useful for sucking the faces off hapless Torchwood scientists; the head rotates at a full 360 degrees; and the blaster arm is on a ball joint, so it can be wiggled around provocatively.
If for some reason you can actually afford to drop five fat Louie’s (colloquially referred to as “The Big Bonus”) on a Dalek, be aware that it doesn’t levitate. Have fun with the stairs!
Senran Kagura Mega Breast Hyper T-Shirts
So, what is it? Creepy anime shirts from Japan.
Where can I find one? Hobby Stock.
How much? Your immortal soul.
Searching for the next step up from one of those famous “looking for a Japanese girlfriend” shirts? Are you really into anime? Are relationships not your thing? Or do you simply give no fucks about what random passersby think of you?
If most or all of those conditions apply, then and only then should you consider purchasing one of these shirts. Just please, for the love of whatever god you believe in: don’t wear these in public.
Or do. That could be funny. Also, the more guys taking themselves out of the dating pool the better the odds become for the rest of us.
Firefly Les Femmes Poster Set
So, what is it? Prints of Firefly characters in an art nouveau style.
Where can I find one? Quantum Mechanix
How much? $29.95
The series may be long done and a sequel to Serenity all-but impossible, but at least those of you still carrying a torch for Joss Whedon’s space western have tons of sweet merch to clutch to your chests, as you weep softly and mutter something about the sky being taken from you. This set of character art prints rank high among all that merch.
There’s also one of Saffron all by her lonesome and a set for the dudes, if you’re more of a “les fommes” kind of person. Or female. Or sly.
Pancake Floor Pillows
So, what is it? Big floor pillows shaped like buttered pancakes!
Where can I find one? Unica Home.
How much? $600 to $750.
If you’re actually wealthy enough to own that crazy Dalek featured above, why not top off your spending spree with this massive set of pancake-shaped floor pillows? Or save that money for another Dalek and make them dance. Pfft. Rich kids and their toys.
Lil’ bits o’ butter are also included, but as any Canadian worth their weight in loonies will tell you, even giant pancakes are nothing without maple syrup. It’s a cliché because it’s true, goddamnit!
Persona 4 Glasses
So, what is it? A replica of the glasses worn by Persona 4’s protagonist.
Where can I find one? Ami Ami.
How much? ¥7,350
Whether you call him Souji Seta, Yu Narukami, Charlie Tunoku, or a name of your own (spoiler alert: it’s Charlie; anything you come up with is wrong), dude wore some pretty swank glasses. So hit that link and buy a pair of your own since you’re so jelly. And why wouldn’t you be? They made Charlie a boss.
These are almost certainly non-prescription, though I figure it’s child’s play to get real lenses slapped in ’em. I doubt they’ll help you see through fog, unfortunately.
Wasn’t that fun, kids? Join us again next week for another round of geeky merch to explain fruitlessly to your significant other. It never ends!