Last time on China vs. Japan II: Electric Boogaloo: embassy riots, widespread corporate property damage, waterfights with Taiwanese fishing boats, and the main event: topless bodypainting, because it’s just warm enough in China right now to protest half naked. Silly Ukrainians.
When questioned by the Taiwanese media on the issue, a certain Jackie Chan, star of stage and screen and video game, put his foot down and resolved the matter once and for all:
“The Diaoyu Islands (Chinese name for Senkaku Islands) definitely belong to China!” said Chan, who was in Taiwan to film scenes for his upcoming film Chinese Zodiac.
He added, “The Diaoyu Islands belong to China, but what I say doesn’t count, it is up to the government to deal with it; I wish I am Superman, so I can pull the island closer.“
The line must be drawn here! This far and no further!
I can only assume that Chris Tucker and Owen Wilson were unavailable for comment, which is just fine; those two should never be given the last word on issues of naval sovereignty. Amateur diplomats, the both of ’em.
Look, Japan: I’m sorry. You know I love you guys, but you’re going up against Jackie now. There’s just no countering that. No amount of Gackts, Hard Gays, Ultimo Dragons, Morning Musumes, and Doraemons are going to stand up against The Drunken Master. You’ve had a pretty good run with that whole “Senkaku Islands” thing, but it’s over. No hard feelings, alright? We’ll always have Persona.
Jackie Chan. We’re done here.