Have you ever had the feeling that you’ve been lied to your entire life? That some fundamental constant of the universe has been nothing more than a cheap facade built for some unknowable cynical end? That this is all just some madman’s dream?
Hello Kitty is not a cat. What the hell, right? Quoth Daily Mail:
‘I was corrected — very firmly,’ Yano told the LA Times. ‘That’s one correction Sanrio made for my script for the show. Hello Kitty is not a cat. She’s a cartoon character. She is a little girl.
‘She is not a cat. She’s never depicted on all fours. She walks and sits like a two-legged creature. She does have a pet cat of her own, however, and it’s called Charmmy Kitty.’
If the truth of this dream – nay, nightmare – is to believed, Hello Kitty has all along been some kind of reverse-weeaboo concoction detailing what certain Japanese believe to be the average life in England. Just, y’know… with cats in place of cockneys. I guess the English cartoons about rabbits coming to gruesome and untimely ends wasn’t enough?
Are we sure that this isn’t just a cover for some other far more worrying revelation? That false felines haven’t become the false flags in some kind of long delayed fifth column? There can only be three possibilities:
• Hello Kitty, an alien observer wearing a vaguely cat-shaped skin suit.
• Hello Kitty, rogue genetic construct from some forgotten Japanese wetworks lab.
• Hello Kitty, not what she seems, in the same way that the owls from Twin Peaks aren’t what they seem.
Where’s Glenn Beck when you need him! Until we can track down his latest militia bunker: trust no one.