Welcome back, kids. RAW Rambling this week is brought to you through a thick mental fog, which is what happens when proper sleep eludes you for a couple days. I could wake up one day to discover that I’m suddenly a wrestling booker. Who knows?
What was I saying? Lost my train of thought there. It’s lucky for me that I already write these things in such a haphazard fashion. Get off my porch!
Last time on
Buffy the Vampire Slayer WWE RAW: Team Punk became Team Ziggler as the entire setup for Survivor Series was rewritten on the spot to abruptly insert John Cena back into the title picture. There was also a romantic dinner next to a fuse box. Brad Maddox, or “WWE Evil Referee #347”, challenged Ryback for a contract opportunity. Jane Fonda and “the wizard” were the last two people out of Atlanta before it sank. And now the conclusion!
• Randy Orton bores the hell out of me, but they’ve put him against Dolph Ziggler to jerk the curtain, so that’s something. Or it would be something under better circumstances, as opposed to Round 3 (4?) of Alberto Del Rio run-in interference. Do we really have to play that same card every week? If this were one of the games I’d suspect that the random plot generator is broken, stop playing and wait for the next patch.
• Everything old is new again: Theodore Long plays GM for a moment and surprises everyone under the age of ten by making another tag team match. Never think too hard about the WWE’s fictional chain of command unless you want to lose your damn mind. Also, there’s a YouTube supercut for this!
It would also be a great drinking game rule.
• Ziggler points out the unintentional comedy in John Cena going to dinner in his ring gear. Didn’t you know, Dolph? John Cena only owns one set of clothes. He’s like Tom Hanks’ character from The Terminal, but at least he wasn’t stuck with jorts for months at a time.
• Is it too late for us to dub this AJ/John Cena storyline “the fuse box scandal”? C’mon, let’s do this.
• The only way out of this voicemail weirdness that’s been added to #fusebox is to reveal that AJ did leave those messages on John Cena’s phone, but it was “the other AJ”, y’know? The AJ with all the headless barbie dolls or whatever. The AJ who kept us all guessing during the CM Punk/Daniel Bryan/Kane storyline, the AJ who put two of those guys through a table and YES’d her way to the end credits, the AJ with a “Summer of” attributed to her. The AJ we liked.
• Two William Regal matches in as many weeks? Has someone been peeking at my Christmas list? If either the BRASS KNUCKLES~! or Tajiri show up next week I’ll jump out of my chair.
• Free idea: have William Regal (the voice of NXT, if you’ve forgotten) resurface in a few weeks leading a third Nexus faction against Big Show. May as well, right? What else of interest are they doing with that title? Nexus could even tear the place apart again, just for old time’s sake.
• If there’s another way to overdramatize the Jerry Lawler situation, the WWE hasn’t discovered it yet. Adding a CM Punk interruption to Lawler’s return speech does however accomplish three things. First: it further cements the fact that the WWE will exploit any situation up to and including near death if there’s a story in it somewhere, while still firing guys for making Kobe Bryant jokes. Two: it lends credence to the crazy moon landing-level arguments about Lawler’s heart attack, which isn’t an element of the fanbase that you want to encourage. Third: it proves that absolutely nothing will get CM Punk over all the way as a monster heel. Lose-lose-lose.
• On the other hand, Paul Heyman is always gold.
• I can’t even remember the last time I saw an eight-man tag match with four teams on two sides. This is exactly why the tag division is the best thing the WWE has going right now: it’s moving things forward, trying different combinations of people and stories in fresh ways, and elevating everyone involved, including a lot of people who really need it. They’re even mixing in subplots from elsewhere, like the Del Rio/Rosa thing. Contrast that with the WWE Title and World Title scenes and you have to wonder sometimes where the problem is.
• Tensai and Brodus Clay should have a battle to decide which giant can sink to the bottom of the roster the fastest. I wouldn’t be surprised to see either of them show up on NXT and lose to Seth Rollins at this point.
• Since the Brad Maddox thing seems to have been either a gigantic red herring or a time delay capsule to be popped at Survivor Series, maybe they can keep using the promise of a $1 million contract as a carrot-on-the-stick for Ryback’s future challengers. Or they’ll just redshirt Maddox constantly and keep bringing him back from the dead for laughs, like Dr. Forrester or Axel.
• Daniel Bryan’s jealousy of The Miz tagging with Kane, followed by his half-hearted and vaguely sarcastic cheering during the match, keeps the Hell No awesomeness going full-tilt. It’s also probably the best way to keep Miz’s face turn alive. Go ahead, try to boo anyone connected with Hell No. It just can’t be done.
• Only Michael Cole could get that excited about a Kid Rock/Flo Rida double bill.
• The end of the Punk/Cena main event could be my biggest chain of consecutive facepalms in ages, if it weren’t for the time I spent scrolling through certain Twitter hashtags after the election last week. Too much damage has already been done to Punk’s reign that having him watch feebly as Cena and Ryback play schoolyard tug-of-war with his title belt… there’s comedy in that, but only in the “what the hell are they doing” kind of way. You know those uneasy laughs and pained forehead rubs you see whenever someone drops phrases like “WCW Champion David Arquette”? We’re not there yet, but we’re inching ever closer. Your main championship and the dude holding it should never be a punchline.
That’s all today as I’m groggy enough to be well beyond the help of even the damn finest of damn fine coffee. I’ll see you all next week, by which point #fusebox will surely be trending worldwide on Twitter. So GET ON THAT!