One of my favourite beats from The Before Time was the wonderful world of geeky merch. The internet economy practically runs on this stuff – t-shirts, mugs, Etsy knitting, at least 75% of it rambling on about untrustworthy cakes – and the proliferation over the last few years alone has been insane.
Thusly! I have taken it upon myself to document some of these wares, if not for your perusal as consumers (it would be nice to get a slice of the action if that were the case!) then perhaps at least for posterity.
So welcome back to The Merch Table! Get ready to window shop!
The Silence Plush Doll
So, what is it? A cute widdle pwushie version of The Silence, a recent Doctor Who villain.
Where can I find one? Here… kind of.
How much? Um…
Unfortunately, this particular item – which I chose as my headliner, no less – isn’t actually for sale from what I can tell. I’ll assume that Auntie Beeb frowns upon such things. However, we might get lucky when the creator’s Etsy shop returns. Until then, you might be able to observe one in its natural environment at Schmancy in Seattle.
There are conventions for plushies. Who knew?
Portal 2 Companion Cube Women’s Briefs
So, what is it? Panties designed to resemble the Companion Cube from Portal. Which you killed. You monster.
Where can I find one? The J!NX Store.
How much? $12.
You sacrificed your best friend to the fires. That poor little Companion Cube, it never had a chance. And now, you take its likeness and shamelessly apply it to a pair of panties, like a hunter wearing the furs of his kill. How do you sleep at night?
Perhaps quite comfortably, actually. Those look pretty snug and warm and companiony.
Luchador Bottle Opener
So, what is it? Bottle openers resembling luchador wrestlers in various holds.
Where can I find one? Amazon.
How much? $7.50
Got a wrasslin’ fan in the family, or perhaps you are one yourself? Do you also enjoy the occasional adult beverage? Then put your hands together! This bottle opener looks to be sturdy and foolproof. No botched spots here.
Personally, if I owned one of these I’d be constantly tempted to modify it to resemble Ultimo Dragon. That would tide me over until someone puts out an El Fuerte pizza cutter.
That’s all for this week’s edition of The Merch Table! Come back next Friday to see what kind of bizarre impulse purchases I’ve wrangled up for you next. Enjoy your credit card bills!