Tag Archives: sarah michelle gellar

Fantasy Casting The “All-Female Expendables”

In case you missed it: The Expendables (and its sequel, out now-ish) is an all-star collection of past and present action movie superstars brought together to revive, or at least pay homage to, the old-school ass-kicking brains-optional fun-as-hell action romps of the 80s and 90s. Everyone from Sylvester Stallone to “Stone Cold” Steve Austin was in it. Sometimes, I’m still surprised that it took until 2010 for such a beast to be produced.

Speculation about a women’s-only version of The Expendables has been pretty common ever since, and now it looks like that’s exactly what’s happening.

Quoth Hollywood.com:

An all-female version of the hit franchise The Expendables — the action star-packed testosterone-fest starring, well, just about everybody — will officially be backed by The Grey producer Adi Shankar. Variety has confirmed that Shankar’s banner, 1984 Private Defense Contractors, has tapped Dutch Southern to write the script, and that the company is already in talks with several bankable actresses.

They’ve got their own list of picks over there, with several entries that just can’t be argued. There’s no reason that we can’t roll our own, of course!

For the sake of brevity, I’ll skim over the undisputed choices: Pam Grier, Sigourney Weaver, Linda Hamilton, Milla Jovovich, Lucy Lawless, Michelle Yeoh, and Angelina Jolie. When one ponders lead actresses in action movies of yore, most of these names should come to mind by reflex, so I would be really shocked if more than a couple are missing. I would only add that after her turn on Battlestar Galactica, I’m hoping for Lucy Lawless to keep the blonde hair.

And now, our list proper.

uma thurman the bride

Uma Thurman

Her Resumé: Just about anything with both her name and Quentin Tarantino’s attached.

Does it surprise anyone else that Uma’s name hasn’t been a more common fixation on these lists? You’d think that two Kill Bill movies (and a possible third?) would be enough. Well, whatever. She doesn’t necessarily need to bring the sword and jumpsuit combination back, but damn, wouldn’t that be cool?

Her Role: The leader’s right hand, assuming she isn’t headlining this thing herself. Honestly, just give her something to do and we’ll all be happy.

michelle rodriguez

Michelle Rodriguez

Her Resumé: It would be easier just to take a glance at her IMDB profile.

Since the era of Vin Diesel and cheesy nu-metal soundtracks has mostly come to a close, Rodriguez might not be as busy as the others on this list. For better or for worse, she pretty much built a career out of typecasting herself into tough-chick roles, which makes her addition here a total no-brainer. Think of it this way: if the male Expendables were to add a female member for whatever reason, she would probably be the first choice.

An all-female Expendables without Michelle Rodriguez would be like the original without Stallone or the sequel without Schwarzenegger. This is kind of what she does.

Her Role: Heavy weapons, and/or the lead baddie’s dragon.

kate beckinsale underworld

Kate Beckinsale

Her Resumé: More Underworld movies than anyone really needed.

Is it enough to just say “leather pants” and move on? No? Alright. If all those Underworld flicks proved anything it’s that Beckinsale can easily carry an action franchise even if there isn’t really much else going for it, and the slicker the production, the better she comes off in it. And there’s no doubting that an all-female Expendables will be slick.

Her Role: Probably the run ‘n’ gunner of the bunch, especially if Milla Jovovich is absent.

sarah michelle gellar buffy

Sarah Michelle Gellar

Her Resumé: Buffy the Vampire Slayer, obviously.

While she hasn’t had the strongest action career since Buffy ended in 2003, no amount of Grudges and random TV roles can take her original pedigree away from her. She will always be the Slayer, and that should be a good enough reason for inclusion on anyone’s list.

In the event that Gellar is busy or uninterested, Eliza Dushku becomes the obvious fallback option. Five-by-five and all that.

Her Role: If somehow both Milla Jovovich and Michelle Yeoh are missing, then Gellar likely takes the martial arts card. It’s hard to imagine her relying on a gun after seven years of Buffy.

summer glau terminator

Summer Glau

Her Resumé: Firefly and Serenity, but mainly Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles.

The chances of coming up on the wrong side of a Summer Glau character and surviving the night are pretty dire, perhaps more so than with anyone else here. As River Tam, she injured, maimed, and killed with swords, axes, fists, dance moves, bottles, crotch-grabs, by “doing the math”, and once threatened Jayne Cobb with her brain. As Cameron, she could do all that plus squish windpipes like grapes with her bare hands.

Her Role: A good choice for any position and one of the few who could pull off the Big Bad role. Wherever she ends up, I’m quietly hoping that she’ll be the one manning Terry Crews’ impossible shotgun thing.

keira knightley domino

Keira Knightley

Her Resumé: Domino.

Domino. Domino. Domino. Domino. Domino. Domino. Domino. Domino. Domino. Domino. Domino. Domino. Domino. Domino. Domino. Domino. Domino. Domino. Domino. Domino. Domino. Domino. Domino. Domino. Domino. Domino. Domino. Domino. Domino. Domino. Domino. Domino. Domino. Domino. Domino. Domino. Domino. Domino. Domino. Domino. Domino. Domino. Domino. Domino. Domino. Domino. Domino. Domino. Domino. Domino. Domino. Domino. Domino. Domino. Domino. Domino. Domino. Domino. Domino. Domino. Domino. Domino. Domino.

Her Role: Domino.

noomi rapace dragon tattoo

Noomi Rapace

Her Resumé: The original Dragon Tattoo trilogy; Prometheus.

Okay, I’ll admit that this is an oddball pick and probably one hell of a longshot. However, if my recent sojourn through the Swedish Dragon Tattoo films taught me anything (aside from that whole “powerful men are all total dicks” thing) it’s that no one – no one – can pull off that strong, silent, piercing “I’m thinking of all the ways I’m going to kill you” stare quite like Noomi Rapace. And that translates very easily to a kickass action role, and thus a spot on this list, wildcard or not.

Her Role: Indirect fire. She’ll be the one running around planting C4 and generally just doing an awesome job of being underestimated. If a weapon does fall into her hands, chances are she’ll be the one sauntering across the battlefield headshotting everyone without even blinking. For that reason, her character is probably also the most likely casualty.

Source: CF Forums (thanks, ard!) Image sources: We Are Movie Geeks, She Knows, Horror Movies.ca, Anti-Girlfriend, Infinite Futures, Babe Scarlett’s Blog, Screen Crave.