The Wii U has been out about two weeks now and people are getting used to the features of the Miiverse; Nintendo’s social network which is run by a bunch of fascists who enforce fun, just like that one Sylvester McCoy Doctor Who episode, except everything is grey and blue instead of pink.
What’s been going on in the past week or so in the Miiverse? What are the concerns of players and, more importantly, what have they doodled for us to be entertained by?
Some Miis tend to stick to the straight out homage to classic games.
This drawing ponders what would happen if the irresistible force met the immovable object. The answer? Hilarity! (and concussions). Bowser always get a bad rap, but you’ve got to feel bad for his minions sometimes. All this trouble just to get their boss a date? They must really like the guy. I can’t even get Del to be my wingman because he always takes it literally and turns up dressed like Maverick from Top Gun and singing Take My Breath Away.
All this high-paced Mario action (and Tom Cruise based non-sequitirs) are no match for the power of nostalgia, however and this next image basically summarises 50% of the posts about New Super Mario Brothers U.
Hey, remember when the past was the present? Wasn’t everything better back in 1985 for Nintendo? No hour long updates for the NES right out of the box and Duck Hunt never needed any balance patches. Then again, I haven’t had to blow into a console to get it to work since the N64 and neither my Wii U nor any of my games are in danger of rusting any time soon.
Nintendo has been making slightly more of an effort to court third-party developers thus far. Although it’s a bit up in the air whether that attitude will last, it at least allows for one of the favourite hobbies of any fanbase: Nonsensical crossovers!
Of course, if you don’t want to see Luigi throw fire balls at the non-distinct shojo-riffic cast of both Dynasty and Samurai Warriors, starring in their own crossover game, then I don’t know what to tell you.
While a lot of people would like to see Nintendo go all Kingdom Hearts as regards third party interaction, right down to having Bowser voiced by someone from *NSYNC, not everyone envisions these franchise mash-ups as working out for the Nintendo crew.
Stop! Stop! He’s already dead! Mario isn’t even British, Connor, leave him alone. Perhaps it’s a comment on how Nintendo’s attempt at flirtation with third party developers will lead to their ultimate demise. Or maybe we just get a kick out of seeing the happy go lucky characters murdered in the name of realism?
Speaking of crossover appeal, both Nintendo and Sega are fond of their own intra-company franchise crossovers. Nintendo has the Smash Brothers franchise and Sega is making some headway with its SONIC
(and some other guys no-one cares about) All-Stars Racing series. However, although many of your unprofitable favourite characters are available for selection not every one is satisfied with the roster.
Why no Phantasy Star Online racers or tracks? Well, that’s because everyone knows that the only Phantasy Star game worth mentioning is Phantasy Star Universe. Technically, the entire game could be taking a place on a distant planet in one of the Phantasy Star galaxies though. Besides, who needs classic Sega game references when you can race as Danica Patrick, NASCAR driver, right?
So people talk about games a lot on the Miiverse, and rightly so. But what about when you’ve got little to say about the games themselves and just want to relax and pursue intelligent conversations with your fellow gamers? What then? That’s right: add memes!
We tried to contact 2005 for a quote but I couldn’t hear anything over the sound of Bo Bice’s Inside Your Heaven. Of course, the real problem is that “taking the Nabbits to Isengard” works so much better, except of course no one takes Nabbits anywhere in New Super Mario Brothers U.
ZombiU is set in Britain and is, in fact, so British that you end up with a cricket bat in fairly short order. Just the thing for keeping hordes of zombies at bay, along with tea, the queen’s corgis and a lingering longing for the days of empire. Obviously, the memes follow suit.
Of course, the real problem with swinging a cricket bat is that no matter how effective it is, most of the world is going to see it as the more boring, sweater clad version of swinging a baseball bat and when someone is comparing you unfavourably with baseball, you know you have problems. Still, they have Doctor Who over there, as well as about half of the PBS line up, so they can’t feel too bad.
So while Britain is getting to grips with the new phenomenon of cricket hooliganism, what’s going on in the former colonies as regards the Wii U? Not much, as a national emergency coincided with the Wii U’s launch, throwing millions of American’s peace of minds in jeopardy.
Yes, Hostess, makers of Twinkies, Ho Hos, Ding Dongs and other brand names which are not at all sexually suggestive has closed down for the time being, blaming labour strikes amongst other factors for their total bankruptcy and mismanagement for decades. While consumers will have to turn elsewhere for their oily, chemical-infused death treats at least we can take solace in the fact that their wonderful comic advertisments remain.
Although America was left reeling as shares in insulin dropped, the ship was soon righted through the power of anime breasts.
As Ayame (who does not appear in ZombiU, at least to my knowledge) is the teenage boy’s fantasy, she helpfully labels her underwear as she’s always looking for it due to a propensity for taking it off. Of course, dressed like that maybe she turns up in ZombiU thinking it’s the set of Onechanbara: Bikini Samurai Squad. If so, things are going to get very messy in London, very quickly.
That about wraps it up. But before we go, let’s check out what’s happening in Scandinavia.