By now you’re likely aware of The History Channel’s Ancient Aliens, a dubious examination of suspected extraterrestrial activity throughout Earth’s past. Similar to the ongoing march of soulless reality programming on TLC (hey, remember when they were owned by NASA?) Ancient Aliens is an example of The History Channel’s questionable grasp of their own mission statement.
As fallacious as the science is, and as disreputable as host Giorgio A. “Crazy Hair” Tsoukalos appears to be, Ancient Aliens is unwittingly hilarious. Therefore, we feel that it’s the perfect target for our first Caffeine-Fueled Drinking Game!
Note: Team CF cannot condone attempting this ordeal with anything less than a 6-pack per person, given the content you’ll be dealing with. Additionally, under no circumstances should you spend actual money on this show in any form. You may regret that more than the hangover. Please drink responsibly, observe all local liquor laws, and practice good science.
With that in mind, it’s time for the game!
- • Someone suggests that aliens existed in history because a painting, wall carving, jar, or other bit of art “suggests” alien activity, while completely ignoring the religious aspects of said art because obviously “gods don’t exist.”
- • It is implied the aliens are gods. You will be destroyed no matter which episode you watch.
- • Crazy Hair says something to the effect of “it was aliens because [insert blank here] doesn’t exist!” Complementary to the aformentioned god rules.
- • George Noory of Coast To Coast AM makes an appearance. Take two drinks if you wish it was Art Bell instead.
- • Someone gets history, mythology, or part of a culture so mind-numbingly, astoundingly wrong, that you wonder if the “expert” in question has even opened a book in his or her lifetime.
- • The narrator says words like “clearly,” “perhaps,” or “it is likely” when suggesting that the answer to alien activity on Earth is right before our eyes.
- • They slip in some actual experts who are actually talking about a subject they know about (such as that poor man from the Joseph Campbell Foundation) in order to make it look like they are talking about aliens. Look! A real expert talking about smart stuff! He has a degree and everything!
- • Someone suggests a bird, carpet, chariot, flying elephant, ray of sun, or pretty much anything not on the ground in a piece of artwork could’ve been representing a spaceship.
- • Anyone mentions the book Chariots of the Gods. You should be plastered in the first fifteen minutes of the show due to this rule alone.
- • You shut off Ancient Aliens and start watching the South Park parody episode A History Channel Thanksgiving instead. Many of these rules should still apply.
Finish your drink if…
- • Crazy Hair compares something in a piece of art to a modern invention and suggests aliens gave ancient cultures that piece of technology. For example, in one episode a bracelet on a carving was compared to a wrist watch, thus proving aliens not only need to tell time despite having hyperdrives or faster-than-light travel, but prefer Swatch to digital. Editor’s note: someday everyone will be running on Swatch Internet Time. Get hip to the .beats
- • You spot producer Kevin Burns’ name in the credits and briefly mistake him for the far more successful documentarian Ken Burns of The War fame.
Stop drinking if…
- • Anything Crazy Hair says starts to make sense. You’ve had enough.
We hope you enjoyed the game! Join us again next time for more alcohol-fueled entertainment. Until then, we’ll be trying to catch Giorgio Tsoukalos before he starts a war with the Narn.
13 thoughts on “The Ancient Aliens Drinking Game!”
ohhh shit i record it and watch it late at night because my wife doesn’t like it ….
First of all, I have deep respect to Mr Giorgio T.
But some of his ideas are not fully tinket.
Sometimes for example pyramids, the ancient people might seen some exploding star, and that thing might been overvelming to them, and now they all have depicted the serious thing, and there are some other things that could be explained without aliens.
The one wery intriging thing is that Chalam Balam, and that place in India or Pakistan…
Were those humans from future.
Correction: Ancient Aliens is on the H2, TLC boasts Honey Boo Boo…. *facepalm* for our society….
I would suggest drinking whenever the narrator says, “As some ancient alien theorists believe…” but that would likely result in too many alcohol poisonings.
Additional game for commercial breaks: Be An Ancient Astronaut Theorist. Select a random historical person, event, government agency or religion and complete this phrase, “Ancient astronaut theorists believe (insert your own bullshit theory) Everyone toasts you if your theory appears on the show.
For example, “Ancient Alien theorist contend Giorgio A. Tsoukalos is a messenger sent by our extra terrestrial brothers who want credit for all their hard work throughout history and the Men In Black movies are true, aliens are living here among us and they are tired of living in the closet. They have sent him to ease us into the truth as they prepare for the big reveal.”
Oh they just switched it up! Some ancient astronaut theorists CONTEND – nice use of Thesaurus (probably a gift from the reptilian alien half breeds), oh, now they Claim – working our way through the synonyms starting with “C”
It’s getting way too easy to confuse all these basic cable channels, isn’t it? Discovery might be the only one left still (mostly) following its original mission statement.
Great add-on there. Almost like a twist on Cards Against Humanity or something. Additional toasts if any theories invented through that method are actually more feasible than what already appears on the show.
You should have to drink when you hear “Ancient Astronaut theorists”…. LOL
This cat totally makes up stuff from the top of his head! I’m watching him right now and he’s over here making up stuff in the Bible. He said Jonah was swallowed by the fish and it had bronze ribs saying that the fish was an actual submarine. That’s not even the right animal or the right guy! It was the book of Job and he was describing a Behemoth which is basically like a giant ox. It’s not about religion it’s about research player.
Why? Because of ancient aliens!
Hardcore Ancient alien drinking game:
-drink each time somebody tell “extraterrestrial” !!
We drink every time we hear, “Ancient Astronaut Theorists” and “Other WORLDLY Beings…”!!
I reminded Shisho of this tonight. We should bring it back. Hell, we should TRY it.
Try it? Are you insane?! The only way you’d survive the alcohol poisoning is if you actually were an alien.
*eyes Thor suspiciously.*
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